Songs That Make You Want To Dance
As Lord of the Power Rankings and owner of the largest brain in the group, it is my god-given duty (right) to present to you playlist power rankings. I do not have visibility to who submitted what song as iphones don’t show that, and I’m too lazy to download the desktop app, so this is entirely unbiased. Well, except for the songs which make it into daily groupme conversations for being so ridiculed that the android and desktop users feel compelled to call out the submissions by name. I will probably make fun of your song today or next time, so don’t take it personally you Quaranterds. Just be better next time if you don’t like it. If you disagree with my rankings, I will not be surprised as that’s exactly what I would expect from those with small brains.
Tier 1
Levels - Avicii, We Found Love - Rihanna, I Wanna Dance with Somebody - Whitney Houston, Shut Up and Dance - Walk the Moon
These songs are straight fire and can ignite dancing under any circumstance. Wedding? Prepare for a full dance floor and multiple broken glasses. Bar or club? Watch the girls circle up and scream while the guys try to find the nearest butt to grind. Funeral? Everyone forgets who died and parties. If you hear any of these songs, you dance. It’s that simple.
Tier 2
Everytime We Touch, You Make My Dreams, P.Y.T., Boogie Shoes, Mi Gente, Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It, Danza Kuduro, Twist and Shout, Shout, Gasolina, The Twist, La Bamba, Sexy Bitch, Alors on Danse, Get Low, Low, Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Timber
These songs are the good, safe choices. You’ve probably heard half of these at every wedding you’ve ever been to and the other half at every bar and club after midnight since 2008. Like the pull out method, when used correctly, these songs have a success rate of 96% but only 73% when used incorrectly. Congratulations to everyone on this list. You are the people who bet $1 on The Price is Right when everyone else blew their load. Enjoy your frozen pizza, bud light, and Marvel movie tonight.
Tier 3
All Night, Bang the Drum All Day, This Girl, I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’, Stereo Love, Call Your Girlfriend, Sorry, What’s my Age Again, Down
You all tried your hardest with varying levels of success. These songs are not necessarily bad dance songs, but they have their time and place. Songs like Bang the Drum All Day, This Girl, and I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’ are actually super catchy and will definitely get some hips shaking, but they don’t have the universal appeal of songs in higher tiers. What’s My Age Again will get some crowds jumping, but might appear insensitive if played at a funeral. These songs have enough firepower to get the wallflowers swaying a little bit on the corner of the dance floor, but this tier could also be the background music at Abercrombie and Fitch.
Tier 4
The Box, Runaround Sue, Stay
This is a short list. That’s because short is the amount of time it would take for the dance floor to clear if these were played at any large gathering. These songs have very specific usage. The Box is a great song for a lap dance if it was 3x longer, but if a civilian had to dance to it they’d hope it was 3x shorter. Runaround Sue and Stay are actually great songs. Do you want to dance to them? Not unless you’re your grandpa at your grandma’s Sweet 16 birthday party.
Tier 5
Eastside, Dance
Do you people know what dancing is? Like, have you ever actually moved your feet to a beat because the world would love to see you try to dance to these songs. Dance is a lovely song for a backyard BBQ playlist for middle aged women or for the next wannabe YouTube teenage boy sensation to cover to try and get his 83rd subscriber. Now for Eastside… is this a happy song? A sad song? Honestly, no idea. All I know is the only dancing it makes me want to do is right off a cliff so I never have to hear it again.
Conclusion
Did you all honestly think that you could just add a couple songs to a group playlist and be patted on the back for your great suggestions? Spoiler alert: your taste in music isn’t as good as you think it is, so please keep submissions to two per person. Oh, you have to submit two extra for your cousin’s boyfriend’s neighbor’s mailman? Whatever, just be prepared to take the heat if he submits next week’s Eastside. Now that you know you’re being judged, no excuses next week. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
Dance on.
Best: “We Found Love” - Rihanna, Calvin Harris
Props: “Danza Kuduro” - Don Omar, Lucenzo, “This Girl” - Kungs, Cookin’ On 3 Burners
Worst: “Eastside” - Dylan Scott