SONGS YOU'D WANT PLAYED AS INTRO IF YOU WERE A PRO ATHLETE
This week’s playlist is “Songs you’d want played as intro if you were a pro athlete.” You would think this would be an entirely subjective ranking, but it’s not. Some of you managed to find songs that would be bad no matter the athlete or situation. The ideal song you’d want played as an intro if you were a pro athlete either starts fast, or has a quick crescendo to excitement in under a minute. Songs that take 15 minutes to get to the good part aren’t what we’re looking for. If I wanted excitement once every 15 minutes at a sporting event I’d go to a baseball game. The best songs are also exciting enough to pump up the crowd, while also being intimidating to the opponent. No one is gonna be scared to box a guy who walks out to “My Heart Will Go On.” Lastly, these songs should be full of confidence, even if you’ve missed your last 10 shots.
Tier 1
Enter Sandman, Eye of the Tiger, Gonna Fly Now, Crazy Train, Welcome To The Jungle
These songs are the top because these are actually the songs you hear at every sporting event, and there is a very valid reason for that. They check off all of the criteria mentioned above. No matter the circumstance, these are the songs that get the crowd going every time. If anyone walks out to any of these songs, get ready for them to put the team on their back like Greg Jennings. I don’t care how many times you’ve heard “Enter Sandman,” by the end of the first minute you’re ready to kick someone in the teeth or at least get your teeth knocked out with confidence.
Tier 2
Chop Suey!, Move Bitch, Bring Em Out, Can’t Hold Us, Eyeless, Start Me Up, Pipeline, Big, Feuer frei!
These songs all meet most of the criteria, but are slightly more unorthodox. Sure, “Move Bitch” and “Eyeless” are great entrance songs, but they might teach the children in the crowd some words their parents aren’t ready for them to learn yet. “Bring Em Out” might be the most literal interpretation of the playlist. “Pipeline” sounds like the perfect intro song for Kelly Slater, but it is cool and smooth enough to work for athletes across various sports.
Tier 3
Skibidi, X Gon’ Give It To Ya, Scotty Doesn’t Know
These three Tier 3 songs are all here for different reasons. First off is “Skibidi,” which is a fun yet completely bonkers song. At best, this song will cause your opponent to hurt themselves in confusion. Unless you are a Gamecock, this song, which begins with a rooster crow, probably isn’t your best choice. Next is “X Gon’ Give It To Ya” which at first glance seems like it’d be a good intro song. However, the song starts with 30 seconds of DMX barking and talking to himself - far from the ideal introduction. The rest of the song fits the theme of the playlist, but only if you are DMX, as the lyrics are entirely specific to him. Lastly we have “Scotty Doesn’t Know.” The first 5 seconds are fantastic and will definitely get the crowd pumped, but after that the lyrics don’t help the cause. Unless your opponent is named Scotty and you’re boning his GF Fiona, this song is not going to help your cause.
Tier 4
Inspector Norse
This song is not exciting, confident, or intimidating. Any athlete would be thrilled if their opponent was introduced to this song. It begins with what sounds like the movie theater sound intro and is followed by almost 7 minutes of Tetris music. This would be a good intro song if you were a hippy artist walking into your art gallery show in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. The only athlete in history who could ever get away with this song as an intro was Dock Ellis.
Tier 5
Andy
This is without a doubt the worst submission in the playlist. Clearly submitted by a wannabe Frenchman named Andy, this song meets none of the criteria for a good intro song. If you were a pro athlete and needed your name to be in your intro song, that probably doesn’t say much about your athletic contributions to the team. I can’t even think of a reason why this song should exist in the first place, let alone be a song you’d want to be associated with.
Conclusion
In all honesty, this playlist is probably only decent because of its limited number of submissions. All the obvious classics are included (and were submitted early), along with a solid selection of less obvious yet unsurprising solid choices. Any more submissions would’ve surely diluted the quality base we have here, as proven by all of the worst songs being submitted later. The last thing this playlist (and world) needs is more Andy.
Game on.
Best: “Enter Sandman” - Metallica
Props: “Pipeline” - Stevie Ray Vaughan
Worst: “Andy” - Les Rita Mitsouko
Playlist Rank: 7.5/10
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No Bens were harmed in the writing of these rankings.