GUILTY PLEASURES
Alright team, we need to start with a couple housekeeping items as this has devolved into the wild wild west. There is a 2 song submission limit. For those of you who struggle with counting, two is twice the number of brain cells you have and two more than you are currently using. You would think the “2 Song Submission Limit” in the playlist title would give it away, but I guess you can’t take anything for granted these days. Lastly and more importantly, swapping songs is strictly prohibited. No one is forcing you to be the first song submitted, so take a deep breath and think for like 8 seconds before entering the first song that comes to mind. It’s not my fault you blew your load early and now feel embarrassed that Grammy nominated and #1 Billboard hit “Genie In A Bottle” was the best “guilty pleasure” you could come up with after seeing everyone else’s songs. From here on out, swaps get you put into timeout for a week to think about what you’ve done and maybe learn a little patience.
Now that we’ve covered the basics of playlist rules, let’s cover the basics of the English language. Guilty pleasures are defined as “something, such as a movie, television program, or piece of music, that one enjoys despite feeling that it is not generally held in high regard.” Key phrase being “in high regard” because apparently that definition flew over most of your heads. High regard is defined as “to have great respect for (someone or something.)” You should be embarrassed to share your guilty pleasure songs. You should feel judged and uncomfortable telling people your guilty pleasures. Liking the most popular song in America that won a Grammy isn’t a guilty pleasure. That’s just being like everyone else. Religiously watching and actually paying real money for Jersey Shore: Family Vacation Season 3 is a guilty pleasure. Spoiler alert: that is me. The perfect guilty pleasure is bad enough that people will question why you actually like it, yet is popular enough that everyone knows that you shouldn’t like it.
Tier 1
I Want Candy, Rumors, It Happens Every Time, Beat Dat Beat, Friday
Congrats on your terrible taste in music as this was truly your time to shine and be part of one of the most elite Tier 1s to date. You know these are bad songs, the critics know these are bad songs, and Helen Keller would know these are bad songs. If you actually truly enjoy these songs, you should be embarrassed and probably be locked in a mental institution because you are a psychopath. These songs are the best of the worst or worst of the best or who even knows anymore this playlist makes no sense.
Tier 2
Stars Are Blind, We Built This City, You Got It, Come Clean, Tipsy, No. 5, Krispy, Malibu, (There’s Gotta Be) More To Life, The Hanging Tree, The Tide Is High, Year 3000
These songs are not good songs. Tier 2 songs are less cringey than Tier 1, even the more uncommon ones. It’s easy to be a bad song that no one knows. That’s basically 99% of music out there. It’s much harder to be a terrible song and be universally recognized and looked down upon. “Year 3000” took an original guilty pleasure song, a song of the same name by British punk band Busted and further bastardized it by making the lyrics more appropriate for teen girls. “The Hanging Tree” song is not necessarily a bad song, as it probably works well in the movie, but to say you enjoy this murder ballad should definitely raise a few eyebrows.
Tier 3
Pieces Of Me, Rewrite The Stars, If I Could Turn Back Time, Dancing On My Own, Lucky, Wannabe, C’est La Vie, Ignition, Photograph, What Makes You Beautiful, True To Your Heart, Let It Rock, Addicted, I Don’t Know My Name, Sugar, We’re Goin Down, Screaming Infidelities
These songs are guilty pleasures like jaywalking is illegal. Not openly encouraged, but everyone is doing it. The only people who would call these true guilty pleasures are the nerds who don’t jaywalk. Most of these are just average, old pop songs that have had moderate to impressive commercial success, racking up lesser known awards along the way. The oddball here is R. Kelly as “Ignition” is an absolutely fire song which nobody can dispute; however, enjoying music from a pee happy pedophile might not be the look you are trying to broadcast when sharing music you enjoy.
Tier 4
A Thousand Miles, It Wasn’t Me, Call Me Maybe, The Reason, Sk8er Boi, Karma Chameleon, Crank That, How Far I’ll Go, MMMBop, Hold On, Mambo No. 5, Lovefool, Promiscuous
As the late, great George Carlin once said, “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” Well my Tier 4 friends, you are all the stupider half. Going back to our lovely definition, every single one of these songs is held in high regard. Guess what they all have in common? One or more Grammy nominations (generally accepted as the highest music award in America and this tier alone has 15+ nominations), countless other prestigious awards, and/or critical acclaim. According to Billboard Hot 100, the average peak of these songs is 1.6! Nine of these songs have been the hottest songs in America, with the rest all in the top 5. Somebody get you guys the Medal of Honor for being so brave and sharing your guilty pleasures with us. The only thing you fools are guilty of is lack of originality.
Tier 5
Since U Been Gone
This might be one of the most bone-headed Tier 5 songs yet. “Since U Been Gone” was ranked as one of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time in 2010 by Rolling Stone, peaked at #2 on the Billboard Hot 100, and WON A GRAMMY FOR BEST FEMALE POP VOCAL PERFORMANCE. This song is the poster child for music held in high regard. Oh, a Grammy winning song that is one of the greatest songs of all time is your guilty pleasure? How do you live with all this guilt and embarrassment? I bet you are equally ashamed to admit your favorite foods are pizza and filet mignon.
Conclusion
What in the name of God's green earth is this playlist? This playlist is like watching a train wreck in slow motion, except the wreck was one poor song choice every ten minutes for 30 hours. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. This is Guilty Pleasures, not nostalgic 2000s female pop hits. Guilty pleasures are like ugly babies - you love it if it’s yours but everybody else slowly backs away when you aren’t looking. This list is like being ashamed of your 6 pack cause it’s not an 8 pack. The only redeeming quality of this playlist is it is so bad at being a guilty pleasure playlist that it might be meta enough to actually be a guilty pleasure in and of itself.
Shame On.
Best: “Friday” - Rebecca Black
Props: “Beat Dat Beat” - DJ Pauly D
Worst: “Since U Been Gone” Kelly Clarkson
Playlist Rank: 5.7/10
Complaints can be mailed to PlaylistPowerRankings@gmail.com where they will be promptly deleted.
No Bens were harmed in the writing of these rankings.