Isaac's Questionable Opinions

SONGS THAT ARE NOT IN ENGLISH

Songs that are not in English is a culture test for all you inbred, (in bread if you’re Danny), uncultured Americans. I know we speak “American” here, but this is everyone’s chance to branch out and share your favorite songs from around the world. There are 7,111 languages being spoken today, which leaves you 7,110 languages to choose from for your song submissions. With all those languages to choose from, will a couple English words in your song get you disqualified? Given the plethora of options, it probably should, but it won’t. Just because Will Smith says “Bienvenidos a Miami” and “Ay papi!” in “Miami” doesn’t make it a non-English song, just as the phrase “I love you?” in “We No Speak Americano” doesn’t make it an English song. That being said, there is a subjective threshold for the amount of English words which disqualifies a song in this playlist, and it is not >50%. If you can look at the lyrics of a song and say that it is in English AND another language, it is not a song that is not in English. Like United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said in 1964, “I shall not today attempt further to define...But I Know it when I see it.”


Tier 1

99 Luftballons, Ave Maria, Despacito, Macarena, La Bamba - Los Lobos

Tier 1 could’ve been either 5 songs or 25 songs this week, which speaks to both how these 5 were able to separate themselves and how strong the entirety of Tier 2 is. All of these songs have had indisputable worldwide appeal and become cultural staples. Excluding “Ave Maria,” all of these songs have topped charts in more countries than most people can name. Despite not having the commercial success of the rest, “Ave Maria” is the true standout. Popular for a couple hundred years now, it has been adopted by churches, translated into multiple languages, and been the go to song for important events throughout history including JFK’s funeral, Kobe’s memorial, and most importantly the video game Hitman: Blood Money. History aside, Andrea Bocelli has become synonymous with “Ave Maria,” as his various performances have become the standard for the song, singing it at a 9/11 Ground Zero Memorial, National Prayer Breakfast for Obama, Princess Eugenie’s wedding, and most recently the COVID Easter concert which was approximately 3 years ago.


Tier 2

Numa Numa Yey, We No Speak Americano, Du hast, Il Mondo, Bidi Bidi Bom Bom, Comme Un Enfant, Volare, Suerte, Jai Ho, Les Champes-Elysees, Danza Kuduro, Non, je ne regrette rien, Con Te Partiro, Suavemente, Hava Nagila, La Luz del Ritmo, Funiculi, funicula, Esperar Pra Ver, Malaguena Salerosa, Tunak Tunak Tun, Jambo Bwana, C’est La Vie

The songs above are fantastic submissions and on a different day could’ve been part of a 25 song Tier 1. This masterclass of diversity has metal, electro swing, Bhangra, Merengue, Operatic pop, and countless other genres, while German, Italian, French, Algerian Arabic, Spanish, Hebrew, and other languages all make an appearance. “Il Mondo,” “Les Champes-Elysees,” and “Non, je ne regrette rien” are all old classics, “Hava Nagila” and “Malaguena Salerosa” are more traditional folk songs, and modern day hits are more than adequately represented.


Tier 3

Hoppipolla, Astin a ser stao, Faradenza, Bonita, Waka Waka, Alors on danse, Giulia, Sara’ Perche Ti Amo, Por ti sere, Je veux te voir, Ta ra ta ta, Turandot, Vesuvio

This is probably the strongest Tier 3 to date, as there aren’t any bad songs in this bunch; however, they all lack the X factor of higher ranked songs. “Hoppipolla” is a perfectly decent song, it just sounds like an Icelandic version of a Coldplay song. “Waka Waka” is another song that is great in a vacuum; however, this version is just a Spanish cover of the more popular English song (granted it is in Shakira’s native language.) The most entertaining song of this group is “Je veux te voir,” and if you read anything else today it should be the English translation of those lyrics.


Tier 4

Komm gib mir deine Hand, Koyaanisqatsi, La Bamba - Ritchie Valens

“Komm gib mir deine Hand” is as big a cop out for this playlist as it was when it was released in 1964. The song was reluctantly recorded by the Beatles in German so they “could sell more records there at the request of a German sub-label of EMI. Only the vocals were recorded in German and just mixed with the original instrumental. Sir George Henry Martin, aka the “Fifth Beatle,” later said of the Beatles, “They were right, actually, it wasn’t necessary for them to record in German.” Likewise, it wasn’t necessary to add this song to the playlist.

“Koyaanisqatsi” finds itself in Tier 4 and not Tier 5 as it is technically a song and technically not in English. That’s about as good as it gets. It is over 3 minutes of creepy organ music while a deep spooky voice chants “Koyaanisqatsi” 16 times in a cave. Koyannisqatsi means “unbalanced life” in the Hopi language, which is the exact kind of life I’d expect someone who likes this song to have.

“La Bamba” by Ritchie Valens was about 2 hours away from being Tier 1. Unfortunately, this song is a repeat and dropped like a rock. This song is only saved from Tier 5 by the fact that Richie Valens’ version is quite literally one of the greatest songs of all time and the only non-English song to make the list at that. Regarding this duplicate submission, everyone knows Edmund Hillary, but no one cares who summited Mount Everest second.


Tier 5

ON, Bailando

Bailando is an automatic Tier 5 swap casualty. While not the first swap DQ, hopefully it is the last, but I’m not holding my breath. In case last week wasn’t clear enough, nooooooooooooooooooo swaaaaaapppppppppps allllloooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeddddddddd. Use a brain cell or two before clicking submit or ya know, just wait 20 hours to submit if you think you’ll find a better song before then. Both are equally valid options. Like Varys, the Lord of the Power Rankings has a network of little birds, and you will get caught and shamed.

Speaking of shame, “ON” is the most pandering submission to try and get a top tier song ever, and it could not have backfired more. This submitter clearly googled “best non english songs,” saw the first article title with a song mentioned (article #3 - “BTS’s ‘ON’ Becomes 20th Non-English Language Top 10,”) clicked “add to playlist” without even listening to 30 seconds of the song, and then patted themselves on the back awaiting their inevitable Tier 1. There are problems with this strategy - it assumes Billboard and I have the same definition of “non-English.” Billboard defines “non-English” as primarily in a language other than English, or for the math wizards out there, 49% or less English lyrics. I don’t know about you, but if 49% of your head was covered in hair, I wouldn’t call you bald, but Billboard might. A couple hairs here and there, sure. Onto “ON.” The first line of the song is literally in English. Ok, red flag, but as stated earlier, a couple words won’t cause a disqualification. Carry on. The first line in every verse and every chorus contains English. Uh oh, things are looking bleak. Let’s at least finish the song to see if we’re overreacting. The last 4 verses/choruses are all over 50% English. Being generous and excluding “eh-oh,” “na na na,” and similar phrases from the English word count of “ON,” this paragraph has less English words than “ON.”


Conclusion

This was actually a pleasant, entertaining playlist full of variety. It has some of the classics one would expect, as well as some real quality surprise additions which will go on permanent rotation. Expectations were low to begin with, but they were far exceeded. Who would’ve guessed that this group would struggle with playlists in English but excel in foreign music?!? ¡Bien hecho! Bien joué ! Gut gemacht! And last but certainly not least, Ben fatto!

Cantale.

Best: “Ave Maria” - Andrea Bocelli
Props: “Comme Un Enfant” - Yelle, “Hava Nagila” - Jonathan Settel
Worst: “ON” BTS

Playlist Rank: 8.1/10


Complaints can be mailed to PlaylistPowerRankings@gmail.com where they will be promptly deleted.

No Bens were harmed in the writing of these rankings.