BONER JAMS
Ladies and gentlemen, pour a glass of red, light some candles, and put on your silkiest nightwear. Or in the case of some of you, chug some tequila, put on the black light, and bust out the whips and chains. It’s time for boner jams. Boner Jams, also known as BJs, are either songs for making love or for making god regret creating humanity. It’s time to take this six to midnight. Whether you’re seductively leading your woman upstairs to a rose petal covered bed, taking your latest conquest home from the bar praying neither of you eat sidewalk on the stumbly walk home, or just taking some time for a little good ol’ self love, tell Alexa to play Boner Jams. It’s about to get sexy, sensual, sweaty, and grimey. Let’s get it on!
Tier 1
Bump n’ Grind, Wait (The Whisper Song), Pony, Sexual Healing, Me and Mrs. Jones, I’ll Make Love To You, Magic Stick, Birthdya Sex, Let’s Get It On, Earned It
Put the kids to bed cause mom and dad are about to do some unspeakable things and make little junior some siblings. What, you don’t have kids? Great. You’re about to in 9 months. Someone send these songs to the Hong Kong Zoo to get those dumbass asexual pandas to mate. Use Tier 1 songs carefully, as side effects include involuntary pant(y) dropping, reduced blood flow to the brain, and 18 years of unwanted responsibility. Approximately, 69% of the current human population was conceived to one of these songs. These songs basically do the job for you. No game? No problem. Congrats on the sex.
Tier 2
Wicked Game, My Neck, My Back (Lick It), Versace On The Floor, Oui, What’s Your Fantasy, Back That Azz Up, I Touch Myself, Sex & Candy, Closer, Grind With Me, Talking Body, Thinkin Bout You, PILLOWTALK, Slow Motion, Child’s Play, Lollipop, Sexy Love, Play, Making Love
Tier 2 on its own would make a great Boner Jams playlist, that’s how hard and deep these songs go. The selection of songs is well-rounded, from the soul and passionate to the dirty and raunchy, with everything else in between. For the perfect standalone Tier 2 playlist, you may start with "Thinkin Bout You" and "What's Your Fantasy," which could lead to “I Touch Myself.” After “Talking Body,” you could then get “Closer” and “Grind With Me.” Once “Versace On The Floor,” and “Lollipop” is out in the open, “Making Love” “Slow Motion” would surely follow. Following that “Child’s Play” “Sexy Love, ” it’s time to “Play” the “Wicked Game.” Get out the chocolate because it’s time for “Sex and Candy” on “My Neck, My Back.” After enough of “Back That Azz Up,” it would only be fitting for “Oui,” (maybe repeated multiple times at increasing volume) before the most logical end, “Pillowtalk.”
Tier 3
Milkshake, Song Of A Preacher Man, Let’s Stay Together, Do I Wanna Know, In Those Jeans, Ride My Bike, Crash Into Me, The Bad Touch, I’m N Luv (Wit A Stripper), Trumpets
Tier 3 songs are not necessarily boner inducing songs, nor are they boner killers. They are boner sustainers. These songs are not good enough to be true Boner Jams, but they are good enough to sneak into a Boner Jam orgy without being immediately detected and removed. “Let’s Stay Together” is not gonna bone anyone up out of nowhere; however, Eiffel towered between 2 higher tier songs, it would be a perfect fit. “Do I Wanna Know” by the Arctic Monkeys is like a lazy handy - not gonna make your week, but it’ll get the job done.
Tier 4
Paradise By The Dashboard Light, Business Time
This is a short list for short Boner (Jams), metaphorically speaking. “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” may be 8 minutes long, but there is not enough time left in the world for this to be considered a Boner Jam, unless cruisin’ down the street in your Harley, hair blowing in the wind, is peak boner. Boner Jams are for leather whips, not leather vests. As for “Business Time,” this was a good big or go home selection, with the submitter promptly going home alone. She’s already seen you naked, no need to make her laugh anymore.
Tier 5
Breaking Free
Only one person in the history of humanity has mistakenly associated “Breaking Free” with being a Boner Jam. Against all odds, that person is part of this playlist exercise. “Breaking Free” makes “Baby Shark” look like “Sexual Healing.” Maybe high school was the last time you had a boner and this song is the only thing to help the phoenix rise from the ashes. That is the only possible conclusion for this song’s inclusion. This song is truly the whiskey dick of Boner Jams. There is nothing you can say or do, no gods you can pray to, and no excuse you can make to make up for this limp pick.
Conclusion
Apparently, you all (most of you anyway) have been far too busy boning to dance or sing karaoke because this is light years better than previous playlists. Someone call Dr. Davies cause this erection has lasted way more than 4 hours. We’ve got all the bases covered, the classic and soulful, modern R&B, the raunchy alternative rock, the explicit hip hop poets, and High School Musical. Actually, scratch that last one. It’s Friday. You just got an epic Boner Jams playlist to put to use while you use this weekend for what it’s meant for: yardwork, running errands, and making people second guess ever sitting on your couch again.
Bang On.
Best: “Let’s Get It On” - Marvin Gaye
Props: “Closer” - Nine Inch Nails, “Me and Mrs. Jones” - Billy Paul
Worst: “Breaking Free” Troy, Gabriella Montez
Playlist Rank: 8.6/10
Previous Rankings
1. Songs That Make You Want To Dance
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No Bens were harmed in the writing of these rankings.