SAD SONGS
If last week’s Boner Jams got you feeling up, Sad Songs are here to bring you down if the 2+ month quarantine, global pandemic, and recession didn’t already do that. This week’s playlist has a song for everything - lovers leaving, lovers cheating, lovers dying, celebrities dying, parents dying, kids dying in school shootings, kids dying from falling out of open windows, kids growing up too fast, and rappers not responding to fan letters fast enough. The perfect sad song has sad lyrics, sad music, and a sad, relatable theme. We’re talking heartbreaking love, deaths of loved ones, and despair. Sad Songs are songs for tears, not frowns.
Tier 1
Tears in Heaven, Hurt, Last Kiss, Cat’s in the Cradle, Supermarket Flowers, Someone Like You, Say Something, Leader of the Band, Whiskey Lullaby
These songs are the saddest of the sad. These sad boys will bring you down no matter the mood, and that sadness will last past the end of the song. You can feel the pain in the singers’ voices as they reach into their inner soul for every word. For those with feelings and a heart, Tier 1 songs should elicit a visceral response. Those responsible for these Tier 1 submissions have experienced true pain and sorrow, whether that is the crushing feeling of a broken heart, the loss of a loved one, or the anguish of having to indefinitely house their idiot son-in-law.
Tier 2
Fix You, Black, I’ll Never Love Again, Brick, Drugs Or Me, Stay Together For The Kids, Yesterday, Unfaithful, Angel, When She Loved Me, I’m Not The Only One, Nothing Compares 2 U, Concrete Angel
Tier 2 songs are without a doubt sad. The difference between Tier 1 and Tier 2 is the lasting impact the song has on you, and the depth of the sadness conveyed. A Tier 1 song is like losing your spouse - utterly heartbreaking, and you’ll question if you can survive and go on. A Tier 2 song is like losing a pet. Yes, you’re rightfully devastated, but you’ll get another cat in a year or so, just like you’ll move on from Tier 2 songs.
Tier 3
Hold You Now, Rest In Pieces, Only God Knows Why, Nothing Like You and I, Picture, The Night We Met, Candle In The Wind, Youth of the Nation, Many of Horror, Neon Moon, I Wish It Would Rain, Without You, What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted, The First Cut Is The Deepest, Wish You Were Here, Konstantine, Slow Dancing in a Burning Room, Retrospect for Life, Too Good At Goodbyes, So Sick
Tier 3 songs are like being a Pitt football fan watching a game. It’s not going to be a pleasant experience, and you’ll probably frown for the entire duration, but at the end you’ll carry on with your day like nothing happened because this is the level of normal sadness you are accustomed to. Tier 3 songs are the songs you listen to when you want to wallow in self pity but not ruin your day with depressive thoughts. You can clean the house on a rainy day to Tier 3 songs and feel great afterwards about your accomplishment.
Tier 4
Good Grief, Stan, Cough Syrup, Do You Know?
These songs might have sad lyrics, or sad music, or a relatable theme, but never more than 1 simultaneously. Nothing about these songs screams hopelessness and desperation. “Stan” sounds sad, but no sane person is going to have their day ruined listening to the fake story of a creepy fan driving off a bridge because Eminem didn’t write him back soon enough. Who even cares what the lyrics to “Good Grief” are because that song is catchy AF, and let’s not even get started on sad songs with ping pong balls as a featured instrument.
Tier 5
I Will Go Sailing No More, The Tide, I Won’t Give Up
We’ve been #blessed with 3 Tier 5 songs, all for various reasons. “I Will Go Sailing No More” is an illegal and disqualified entry by the world’s most famous late, unreliable, liar. This particular individual blatantly disregarded the no swap rule and removed Tier 4 banger “Stan” to try and slip in this DQ’ed Tier 5er. Shame. “The Tide” is the exact song that would be created if you locked a terrible high school emo band from 2004 in a room and told them to write a sad song. From the singer’s whiny voice to the flat and forced storytelling, the only thing sad about this song is that it exists. Lastly, we have a little song by Jason Mraz which is not sad at all. In fact, it is inspirational and shares a positive message about love, loyalty, and strength in the face of adversity. “I Won’t Give Up” is the exact opposite of what this submitter should’ve done prior to submitting this song.
Conclusion
The bad news is this sad playlist isn’t great. The good news is this sad playlist isn’t great. You all must have great lives or you’re still riding the high from Boner Jams if this list of songs is the saddest you could come up with. The saddest part of this playlist was having to trudge through 40 mediocre to bad songs to find the few diamonds in the rough. Just because a song is slow and in a minor key doesn’t make it sad. At least it’s only up from here.
Cry On.
Best: “Tears In Heaven” - Eric Clapton
Props: “Leader of the Band” - Dan Fogelberg
Worst: “I Won’t Give Up” - Jason Mraz
Playlist Rank: 7.2/10
Previous Rankings
1. Songs That Make You Want To Dance
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No Bens were harmed in the writing of these rankings.